{DATING AND TECHNOLOGY} // Do you think technology has helped or hindered how we date? Do you believe that dating is "harder than it used to be" or that dating in your city is impossible? Is the seemingly endless reservoir of potential partners, as perpetuated by dating apps, overwhelming? I've supported many of my clients (and myself!) through the trials and tribulations of modern dating, and these are a sampling of the stories and feeling that we've dived into regarding the subject. So if you can relate, you're not alone!
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Dating has definitely changed in the last decade, and especially in the last 5 years. While these changes have seemed to complicate an already intricate topic, there are ways to navigate the "playing field" with grace, ease and authenticity so that dating feels less like a game that you are reticent to join in on, and becomes more like an experience you are excited about and can even benefit from.
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The format of searching out potential mates through a smattering of photos and a brief bio makes the process of dating very externally focused; what will my ideal person look like, how tall will they be, what will they do for work. This isn't so different from how it's always been, except that we are relying more on the info at our literal fingertips and less on gut instinct. Honing in on the desired qualifications of the other absolves us from doing our "work" to be ready for meaningful contact when we do come across it. To connect with another, we have to polish our own receptors- we have to shift the energy from being outwardly directed on a scouting mission to being internally focused on clearing out the clutter around relationships and intimacy. Like the Sufi poet and wiseman Rumi said, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it". I think he was talking to you, @tinder .
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So what does this reorientation look like, and how do we actually apply it to dating? I think it lies in reorienting the process of dating by making a shift from an evaluation of others to an internal focus on clearing out the clutter around relationships. So what does this actually look like?
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It starts before you even open the app or head out on a date with this question: **What are you available for?** Logistically, are you available for long term partnership, or casual dating? How much time do you actually have for another? Monogamy or an open relationship? It's important to be clear with yourself what you are actually seeking to attract, which will make conversations with others clearer, too. Also ask yourself what you're available for in less tangible ways. Are you available to love and be loved? For intimacy and vulnerability? Or, do you have some work to do around these topics?
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Next, visualize how you want to feel when you start meeting and connecting with others, not on what they will be like or how you thinking dating "should" look. During the date, experiment with shifting your awareness from the other ("Do they like me? Are they impressed? Are they bored?") to yourself ("How am I feeling so far- relaxed? Excited? Respected? How do I feel in my body?")
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Try reframing the idea of dating as an experiment, an opportunity to gather information and to learn more about yourself and testing your own intuition. Use this practice as a post-date temp check: what do you notice, how's your energy? Are you being pulled towards old pattern pulls that may not be serving you anymore?
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The goal is to be open and ready for the kind of love we wish to call into our lives, to recognize it when it comes along and to be honest and generous with what we are able to give in return. Wishing you all love ❤️
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