{NEEDS} // Another coach once said to me, in the context of a session, “The most devastating thing about being in relationship, is realizing that you have to ask for what you need”.
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That is so not romantic, I thought. The idea of having to ask for what I need used to send me into a tailspin of my story about “well if they really loved me...really KNEW and UNDERSTOOD me...if they were paying attention...if we were actually a perfect fit...they would just KNOW what I needed. I shouldn’t have to ask”. The client was right: having to ask IS devastating. We come from the womb where we don’t even know what it means to have a need in the first place, and then are thrust into a world where all of a sudden these things called “needs” aren’t being met, perfectly, all the time, by our caregivers. Parents, in their best attempts to love and feed us, to keep us warm and pain free, are the first to let us down in this way. It’s impossible for them not to. But then, we replay this original wound with our partners and loved ones, and hope that *THIS* time, it will be different. THIS time, we’ll be so perfectly attuned to by this other person that we won’t have to go through the vulnerable process of asking (and risking rejection).
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That logic, the expectation of someone to meet all the needs we have without having to ask for them, is a set up for everyone. It sets up our loved one to be wrong, to be bad; it’s *their* fault that we are hurting. We also set ourselves up to be hurt and angry, confirming our deep-seated fears that we aren’t safe…that we aren’t truly known…that we aren’t deeply loved. It can hurt to ask for what we need, and it can be terrifying, but if we don’t, everyone loses out.
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So here’s your homework: can you think of one need you have, that you haven’t voiced aloud, but are expecting someone to meet for you? Got it? Great. Now, acknowledge for yourself the vulnerability in having this need, in whatever way feels most true for you (a kind word to yourself, a post-it, a deep breath). Finally, whatever it is you need, ASK FOR IT from the person you wish would know what to do without you asking 😬 Bonus: report back!
Today, I simply want to remind you to *Hold It Lightly*.
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And by “it”, I mean “everything”.
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Your wins, your wants, your loves and your perceived failures.
Your expectations and aspirations, your vision of the future, your fears and your deeply held desires.
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Your beliefs and your convictions...hold those lightly, too.
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The shoulds and the supposed-too’s...
The needs and the can’t...
The efforting and the attempts...
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Your ideas about how the world works...about how other people work...about how YOU work. All included under “everything”.
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Holding it all lightly doesn’t mean that we don’t care, that we’re not committed, disinterested or disingenuous.
No.
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Holding it lightly means that we *allow* things room to b r e a t h e.
To e v o l v e.
To take us on voyages we didn’t expect, to challenge us in ways we couldn’t predict, and to grow in directions we never knew were possible.
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Holding it lightly means that we create less suffering for ourselves, while simultaneously allowing more room for
J O Y.
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What are you squeezing in your death-grip? What would it be light to loosen your hold?
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